Oh my gosh, YES. I had my first baby in July and I was shocked by how woefully unaware I’d been at the level of support needed postpartum (especially after getting an unexpected c section in my case), and how, looking back, I had also under-supported my friends who had had kids before me, without ever realizing it or understanding what could have been more helpful. I was embarrassed even, reflecting, although truly how can you know if you haven’t been in it or at least seen it up close and personal before? I had girlfriends who literally just showed up the day after I got home and did stuff I would never had asked anyone to do (which they also knew), including bring over fresh groceries, start a meal train, etc. Anyways, all that to say: great post! 🤎
Thank you for articulating what I was trying to find the words for. I had no idea before I became a mother (about many things) but particularly about the “Just showing up” part. Don’t ask, just do. Great read, thank you.
Giving birth in ~4 weeks and this post felt so resonant for me. Another thing I've found so sweet and supportive during pregnancy has been the proactive check in from a couple of friends asking what vaccines they need to make sure they are up to date on in order to meet baby and help around the house in his first two months.
Thank you for this thoughtful post, but I have a question. People are always talking about just showing up at people's houses while they're there and even when they're not there to do stuff for new parents. I have good friends expecting in 2 weeks who absolutely do not want people in their house without them there, nor do they like drop ins. They also do not like asking for help. There is already a meal train organized. I can see trying to arrange
to bring them groceries or lunch, but I feel like pressing them to accept help is uncomfortable. Any advice for helping people you love who don't really like to be helped? This question goes for the readers, not just the author.
I think this is an extremely interesting question and it’s been a minute but if I recall correctly I (sincerely hope!!!!!) didn’t recommend just showing up and doing things if no one is home because that is honestly my personal nightmare.
I think the thing I hope I expressed on this one is that the important thing is that you are listening and offering things that would resonate with them— if your relationship with them tells you that acts of service like bringing grocery or doing laundry would make them uncomfortable, is there something that would perhaps be more up their alley?
I remember that one of the things I found helpful and supportive actually had nothing to do with the baby- a friend offered to go with me to an ear piercing appointment I had wanted to make my whole pregnancy and having her support and companionship to do an activity while learning how to leave the house without my child for one of the first times.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I'm confused though- how did you return from the hospital to find your fridge stocked with spicy margs if they didn't enter when you were not there?
Fair question- that was one friend who had keys to pick up our dog when we went to the hospital. She is more like family and honestly that was right / accurate to our relationship- to the point it doesn’t even register for me as someone entering my house! Other people doing the same thing would have weirded me out
Thank you for this thoughtful post! Nodding so hard at the unintentional burden of "let me know if there's anything I can do"—as someone who doesn't have kids but has been on the receiving end of this statement many times over the past couple years in times of grief, I feel this so hard. I wish more people thought about actions they could take. I know for sure there's more I could've done for my friends having kids & going through hard times, so I am bookmarking this for later! 💌 (Also, this reminds me of this piece from Anne Helen Petersen a couple years back - https://annehelen.substack.com/p/a-shortcut-for-caring-for-others)
This is incredible. I've never had a baby, but after my best friends did, I realized that I didn't do nearly enough to help my sister-in-laws years earlier. We have local friends having their first next month and I'm definitely going to take one of your meal options over to them.
This is *exactly* the guide I needed in this very moment!! down to the recipe ideas — thank you for this. have been struggling with how to show up with my new mom friends.
Oh my gosh, YES. I had my first baby in July and I was shocked by how woefully unaware I’d been at the level of support needed postpartum (especially after getting an unexpected c section in my case), and how, looking back, I had also under-supported my friends who had had kids before me, without ever realizing it or understanding what could have been more helpful. I was embarrassed even, reflecting, although truly how can you know if you haven’t been in it or at least seen it up close and personal before? I had girlfriends who literally just showed up the day after I got home and did stuff I would never had asked anyone to do (which they also knew), including bring over fresh groceries, start a meal train, etc. Anyways, all that to say: great post! 🤎
Thank you for articulating what I was trying to find the words for. I had no idea before I became a mother (about many things) but particularly about the “Just showing up” part. Don’t ask, just do. Great read, thank you.
Feeding my two week old while I read this and nodding affirmatively, vigorously. Yes.
Giving birth in ~4 weeks and this post felt so resonant for me. Another thing I've found so sweet and supportive during pregnancy has been the proactive check in from a couple of friends asking what vaccines they need to make sure they are up to date on in order to meet baby and help around the house in his first two months.
I'm saving this and will be coming back to it *often*! Thank you for demystifying how to show up for new parents.
Thank you for this thoughtful post, but I have a question. People are always talking about just showing up at people's houses while they're there and even when they're not there to do stuff for new parents. I have good friends expecting in 2 weeks who absolutely do not want people in their house without them there, nor do they like drop ins. They also do not like asking for help. There is already a meal train organized. I can see trying to arrange
to bring them groceries or lunch, but I feel like pressing them to accept help is uncomfortable. Any advice for helping people you love who don't really like to be helped? This question goes for the readers, not just the author.
I think this is an extremely interesting question and it’s been a minute but if I recall correctly I (sincerely hope!!!!!) didn’t recommend just showing up and doing things if no one is home because that is honestly my personal nightmare.
I think the thing I hope I expressed on this one is that the important thing is that you are listening and offering things that would resonate with them— if your relationship with them tells you that acts of service like bringing grocery or doing laundry would make them uncomfortable, is there something that would perhaps be more up their alley?
I remember that one of the things I found helpful and supportive actually had nothing to do with the baby- a friend offered to go with me to an ear piercing appointment I had wanted to make my whole pregnancy and having her support and companionship to do an activity while learning how to leave the house without my child for one of the first times.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I'm confused though- how did you return from the hospital to find your fridge stocked with spicy margs if they didn't enter when you were not there?
Fair question- that was one friend who had keys to pick up our dog when we went to the hospital. She is more like family and honestly that was right / accurate to our relationship- to the point it doesn’t even register for me as someone entering my house! Other people doing the same thing would have weirded me out
Thank you for this thoughtful post! Nodding so hard at the unintentional burden of "let me know if there's anything I can do"—as someone who doesn't have kids but has been on the receiving end of this statement many times over the past couple years in times of grief, I feel this so hard. I wish more people thought about actions they could take. I know for sure there's more I could've done for my friends having kids & going through hard times, so I am bookmarking this for later! 💌 (Also, this reminds me of this piece from Anne Helen Petersen a couple years back - https://annehelen.substack.com/p/a-shortcut-for-caring-for-others)
This is such a lovely list of advice!
The "I'll bring you a coffee and hold your baby while you shower in peace" gift was my favorite gift.
This is incredible. I've never had a baby, but after my best friends did, I realized that I didn't do nearly enough to help my sister-in-laws years earlier. We have local friends having their first next month and I'm definitely going to take one of your meal options over to them.
This is incredible! I love how specific and clear this is, I’m already planning on sending these kits to two friends who are expecting.
this is amazing, gold, a treasure, thank you!!
I almost bought this book last night and now you’ve really convinced me!!
This is *exactly* the guide I needed in this very moment!! down to the recipe ideas — thank you for this. have been struggling with how to show up with my new mom friends.
Everything about this 👏🏽 exactly
Love this so much! Offering an action versus an ask is so key!