no.37: let me know if there's anything I can do
how to never say that phrase again, the new mom care package that changed my life, and tips to crush the mealtrain game.
Snooze button: a quick round of “things I loved recently” before we jump into the good stuff!
The God of The Woods, by Liz Moore: I’m working my way through my summer reading list, and absolutely devoured this tightly wound, character driven mystery that chronicles the parallel disappearances of two siblings on their families estate in the Adirondacks. It was exceptional.
Little Bear seems to constantly be in go-mode these days, and I’ve been on the hunt for some up-leveled activities he can do semi-independently while I cook dinner. My long distance bff recommended magna-tiles and y’all she’s a genius. We’ve been happily working on matching colors, sorting shapes, and building (okay and dismantling) houses and it’s been a game changer.
I got *extremely* into HBO’s Industry during 2020 – the dizzying drama follows interns vying for permanent roles in a prestigious investment bank in London. There’s drama, there is brat-summer level debauchery, and as of Season 3, Kit Harrington has joined the already excellent cast to play the founder of a green energy company.
Following the birth of my son in November of 2022, I remember two things becoming vividly, surreally clear.
One, I was overwhelmed by how inadequately I had shown up for every single friend and acquaintance in my life who had given birth. How little I understood, until I was in it, what would be helpful, practical, or welcome.
This realization was swiftly accompanied by a weeping, boundless appreciation for the ways that women in my life showed up for me.
I imagine that those two things are intimately related for experiences far beyond new parenthood: that as we are inducted into the club of the previously unknown, scales fall from our eyes: we were blind but now we see, picking up the mantle for those who come after us.
Experience is the best teacher, and all of that.
Better writers than I have written tomes on how we can be in community with one another -on the friendship problem, from
, on what we owe each other, brilliantly from , on intentionally gathering (with kids) from featuring Kate Greer, and an entire series on intentional friendship from Aliza and Aja on .Certainly, I cannot claim to be an expert, but it is something that has taken on a profound and urgent place in my heart and mind since those early, sleep deprived days home from the hospital. As someone who once prided myself on my self-sufficiency, who cringed away from inconveniencing anyone with anything as basic as my own needs (the horror), I’ve realized it made me a bit blind to the needs of others.
I considered myself to be thoughtful, compassionate even. When Things Happened, I always reached out with a “let me know if there is anything I can do”. I know so many of us mean it when we say that. We really truly want to help, but we want someone else to tell us THE THING that would be THE MOST helpful. It’s well meaning, but it’s also time to move beyond this and start digging in. We are the village, and it’s up to us to show up – not only to new parents, or folks navigating major illness, but our friends and neighbors in the bumps of everyday life.
Today I’m talking about the things I found so helpful during my own postpartum experience that I have adopted them into my regular practice of caring and outreach to my own community– we’re covering how to reach out and offer support that isn’t “let me know if you need anything”, the new mom care package that changed my life, and tips for meal delivery (including my go to menus that *aren’t* baked ziti). It’s a bit of a hodgepodge but it’s packed with good stuff!
Thats all, love you, let’s get into it!
Xo,
How to never say “let me know if there’s anything I can do” again:
I will start by acknowledging that this concept is not my own: I first came across it in the incredible Nora McInerney’s book It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too) (which I highly recommend for anyone who is grieving or who loves someone who is grieving). The TLDR is this:
When you say “let me know if there is anything I can do” (or any of its iterations), you leave it up to the recipient to decide what an appropriate ask is, and then also actually ask you for it. While intended to be helpful, it can often end up adding to the already mentally taxing burden of whatever is going on.
I know from my experience, I definitely needed and wanted help, but I either didn’t really know what help would be helpful, or I didn’t know how to bring it up days after the original offer of support, so I never asked and just left it at that.
All that’s to say: here’s what I now like to do instead (depending on level of comfort and closeness!) :
Offer something specific with easy scheduling options (if any) to choose from: substantial life changes often cause a lightly debilitating inability to make decisions - let’s not make it any harder!
I’d love to coordinate a meal train for you and X – how many meals per week would be the most helpful for you?
I’d love to drop off dinner next week - would Monday or Wednesday around 5:30 pm work better for you?
I’m going to drop off a round of groceries – would drop off Thursday afternoon or Saturday morning be more helpful?
I’m going to send you a few things that made my (similar experience) much easier – can you remind me of your address?
If you’ve planned a visit, give options to choose from, but keep it flexible. When you’re visiting, consider the non-obvious things that might be helpful: watching or walking the dog, taking older kiddos out to give parents a break, or help around the house.
I’m excited for our visit! When I stop by, I’d love to chat and meet [baby], but I’m also happy to watch [baby] while you rest or shower, or help take care of things around the house if that’s more helpful. No need to decide now - we can make a game time decision based on how you’re feeling!
Hi! I hope everything is going well, and everyone is settling in at home! I wanted to offer to take [toddler] out for a mid-morning adventure this weekend! We can stop by [location/activity] around 11 am. Does that work with everyone’s nap schedule? Alternatively - I’m happy to stay and watch [baby] if you’d prefer to get some quality time with [toddler]!
Just do it: The things that stood out the most to me postpartum are the things people just did, without asking, or needing coordination. They were small but extremely thoughtful acts of care, and it was such a good reminder to just do it - you’ll never regret it.
From the bestie who stocked my fridge with food and my favorite spicy margs for when we got home from the hospital, the mom friend who off a care package with lactation bars and a mom-focused mental health book, the coworker who dropped off a set of her kids favorite board books.
The thing that stands out the most? A family friend just sent one of the most thoughtful recovery kits I could have ever asked for, jam packed with a ton of things that I (didn’t really) know I needed, and was so grateful to just *have* when I got back from the hospital – they load you up with stuff before you leave, but she literally thought of *everything* and it made the experience so much simpler.
I’m so emotional about this gift (still) that I have started doing the same, just delivering friends a bag or set of things before they deliver. I think it is so thoughtful, and a small way to pay forward the new mom knowledge.
You can pick and choose what you include, but my ultimate postpartum prep care package list includes:
Depends disposable underwear
Always flexfoam overnight pads
Regular pads
Thin panty liners
Tucks pads
Frida mom liners or healing foam
Frida mom peri bottle
Earth mama nipple cream
Nipple pads
For more details on this list and the rest of my intentional baby registry and postpartum prep recommendations, check out this post!
MealTrains aren’t a contest (but you can still win)
Here’s the thing: anytime someone brings you food, it’s a wonderful act of kindness and generosity. It’s silly, really, how much of a burden it can be to figure out what you even want to eat, let alone the logistics of shopping, preparing, and cleaning up, so it’s no wonder dropping off food is the number one way we think to help. There are a few easy ways to make it easy and seamless for you (and for the recipient).
In my humble opinion, the best meal delivery are ones that:
Are easy to reheat, assemble and serve (aka not fussy and include basic instruction)
Provide enough food that there are some leftovers (but no so much that it’s all you eat for a week)
Are not pasta (I say this with love: pasta is the only meal my non-culinary husband prepares with ease, so unless you hand made the pasta or it was specifically requested, I bet you a million dollars people are just fine on the pasta front).
Do not require the recipient to do *anything* like remembering to return your good tupperware. (Highly recommend meal prep and deli-takeout containers for portability and reusability. Yes, chef!).
Include a now-and-later component: ( here’s the thing y’all: everyone wants to bring you dinner when you have a baby, but you actually need to eat a bunch of other meals as well! In addition to a hot meal for dinner, I always bring something for later that *isn’t* leftovers as well).
my go-to mealtrain menu combinations (depending on the season):
Menu 1: Wintery & Warm:
Main: Green Chicken Soup with Chickpeas and Sizzled Spices (or for veggie friends, love this lemon and orzo chickpea soup).
Sides: feta cheese or yogurt for the soup, fresh loaf of good bread, roasted sweet potatoes with honey tahini sauce, light kale salad with lemon and olive oil (this one is great)
Dessert: Seattle based Met Market has “the cookie” which you can buy as cookies in a bag or in refrigerated cookie dough for a “just baked” effort.
For Later: batch of 6-10 frozen breakfast burritos
Menu 2: Summer BBQ
Main: Buttermilk brined grilled chicken
Sides: Green Couscous, Tomato, Peach & Halloumi Salad
Dessert: Coconut lime cornbread
For Later: DoorDash Giftcard
Menu 3: Anytime, Anywhere
Main: Mediterranean Shawarma inspired chicken (for veg friends, I swap out chicken for tofu, tempeh or chickpeas) - recipe below!
Sides: mixed greens, fresh pitas, cucumber, tomato and chickpea salad, feta cheese and lemon garlic tahini dressing.
Dessert: 1-2 bars of Honey Mama’s Chocolate
For Later: Frozen container of Golden Get Well Soup (from Cook this Book)
make it easy recipe: 30 minute (or less) mediterranean shawarma inspired chicken.
This is in no way an original or authentic recipe (the spice mix recipe of unknown origin has lived in my spice drawer since 2016), but it is insanely delicious and deceptively easy - two ideal criteria for a top tier meal delivery dinner. It scales easily to feed a crowd, makes bomb leftovers, and (typically) can be pulled together in under 30 minutes.
Seasoning mix: ½ tsp cumin + ½ tsp smoked paprika + ¼ tsp turmeric + ½ tsp garlic powder + ⅛ tsp ground allspice + ¼ tsp chili powder or cayenne + ⅛ tsp cinnamon + Kosher salt + black pepper to taste - I typically double this to season a meat-based protein and a veg one at our house!
Protein: this is really a choose your own adventure recipe. For a single batch of the seasoning recipe, I would recommend 1-2 cans of chickpeas, 1 block of crumbled extra firm tofu, or 2 chicken breasts or 4-6 chicken thighs. Toss your protein in the seasoning mix with a few splashes of your oil of choice, and cook. (We usually roast chickpeas and tofu or grill / instant pot the chicken).
Quick pickled salad: 1 can of chickpeas, 1 cucumber, 1 pepper, 1/2 red onion chopped small and mixed with 1-2 TBSP white vinegar, drizzle of olive oil + 1-2 tsp dried oregano. (if it’s tomato season: recommend adding a large handful of grape or cherry tomatoes, sliced in half)
Lemon tahini sauce (riffed off the og from NYT cooking) : grate 1 clove garlic, and then mash together with a hearty pinch of salt. Add 2-3 TBSP tahini + juice of one lemon - stir to combine (until stiff). Add water in small amounts and stir with a fork until smooth and at your desired consistency (more water = more of a dressing, less water = more of a dip). I measure this one by ~feelings~ at this point and almost always have some on hand in the fridge.
This combo of ingredients can make a few dozen flavors of dinner — a formal chicken plate + salad and bread as sides dinner, or throw all the ingredients into a warmed pita with feta cheese and kalamata olives for more of a wrap situation that is a perfect lunch.
Alright y’all this has taken many twists and turns so I’m just going to leave it at that. I’d love to hear the little ways you support your community, or the surprising ways folks showed up for you that you’ll never forget.
Oh my gosh, YES. I had my first baby in July and I was shocked by how woefully unaware I’d been at the level of support needed postpartum (especially after getting an unexpected c section in my case), and how, looking back, I had also under-supported my friends who had had kids before me, without ever realizing it or understanding what could have been more helpful. I was embarrassed even, reflecting, although truly how can you know if you haven’t been in it or at least seen it up close and personal before? I had girlfriends who literally just showed up the day after I got home and did stuff I would never had asked anyone to do (which they also knew), including bring over fresh groceries, start a meal train, etc. Anyways, all that to say: great post! 🤎
Thank you for articulating what I was trying to find the words for. I had no idea before I became a mother (about many things) but particularly about the “Just showing up” part. Don’t ask, just do. Great read, thank you.